wow. this is the ultimate geek gadget of the millenium. it would look very stylish and beautiful next to my powerbook. i also have to agree with nathan that this is a monstrosity (though i love u2).....

good day.

11:09 AM

tonight i am feeling unsettled. it's vague and obvious at the same time - kind of like the summer air in houston. i am enveloped in a strangely uncomfortable feeling that is very familiar and it's hard to breathe.

sometimes i'm able to set aside the longing, the loneliness, the grief....long enough to realize that i will never really be whole in this life. tonight, i can't. generally i'm comforted at having more questions than answers, more problems than fixes. i like the fact that there are loose ends and uneasy silences and answers that defy logic. tonight, it's painful - little needle stabs in my soul as if my heart has gone to sleep and may never wake up.

it's like i'm waiting for some cosmic comedian to jump out and say "just kidding - life really is all about fried food, malted hops, big cars, and the american dream!" that would be a much easier answer than the silence i so often encounter from him. i feel like the song lyrics:

"this is not the land that was promised to me
even as far as my eyes can see...
i'm so bound up lord i can't even breathe
and i don't want words
no i just want some peace."

i just want some peace. oh, and maybe a chicken fried steak with a beer.

8:31 PM

ok, so i've been avoiding writing anything political on this blog, but after being chased down by the babagazillionth radical waving pamphlets and screaming epithets about who they assume my choice for president is, i just can't help but say something.....

since when did civic responsibility become the mandate to guilt people into voting for their candidate? or better yet, when did it become a mandate to guilt people to vote - period?

you may disagree with me, and i'm ok with that, but i am well aware of my "civic duty" and i take it very seriously. i do not vote. there - i said it. i have been vilified in many different ways for this stance and i know it won't stop. i have been told that i am a part of a generation whose anger is only trumped by it's apathy. i have been told that as an american citizen, i am bound to vote and if i don't, i should just move to another country.

being apolitical comes with more persecution and backlash than being a christian ever has.

i am not apathetic. i am angry. i am frustrated. i am impotent. i have given a lot of thought to my stance on politics. i have given a lot of thought to my civic duty. i don't vote as my protest against a system of government that is utterly corrupt and in my opinion, unsalvageable. people - you don't vote for president!!!! voting has become the "opiate of the masses" - it gives the appearance of impact, but in reality, we have very little (in the political arena).

i don't vote for christian politicians so they can "restore christian values to america" because a politician is a politician is a politician. to be involved in politics, you must compromise and you must be in some sense corrupt. i also believe that morality cannot be legislated - separation of church and state is a good thing! if we legislate morality, then the government controls that morality and can give or take that freedom at will! i don't want people forced to live by my view of what is right - the central premise of salvation and christianity in general is that we have FREE WILL - free will to follow jesus or not follow him.

i know, i know - i might as well just put a bullseye on my forehead, but this is my choice and my vote.

i just can't find where jesus was into politics. he was into telling the truth, loving people, and being about the bars and brothels about his father's work.

that is who i want to be.

8:45 AM

wow - i just had the best morning! as many of you know, shaun goes to work with aimee every day and will for about the next two months until aimee's mom can take care of her for us.

aimee has an important meeting every tuesday morning that she can't have shaun in because it just would not be at the professional level it needs to be at with an infant in the room. so, i kept shaun this morning. it was the first time that i have had her all to myself with no net - and it was awesome!

i got her up and we cooed and played and smiled and then about ten minutes into it, she started screaming! i did everything i could, but she is in a definite momma's girl stage right now and i could just tell that she wanted her momma. so, i grab a bottle and we commence to feeding - she was sooooooo hungry! that was really tender and great bonding for us. then she finishes the bottle and immediately starts screaming for momma again. i burp her, she throws up all over both of us, i change her second poopy diaper of the morning (which of course was violent and therefore all over her) and then we popped her in the car seat and took her to momma!

i am so walking on a cloud today - it was the best start to a day that i have had in a very, very long time. i love my shaun bear!!!

10:30 AM

this has been a gipsy kings kind of weekend. i have listened to them all weekend - from este mundo to mosaique, from somos gitanos to roots....it's been really great.

fixed the stereos in both cars this weekend so aimee and i are really happy to have tunes the way they were meant to be!

right now, i'm just sitting with aimee on the couch working on the paper that is due tomorrow and thinking how much i don't want to pull an all-nighter for this thing!

shaun is really growing...she has found her voice and her shrieks of joy are so funny! she grabs her toes and stands up and laughs and laughs - i'm having the greatest time being a daddy...i never would have thought it!

i was thinking this weekend about fatherhood. i would have fallen into the "vehemently opposed to having children" group before we found out about shaun. i just really did not want kids. i finally figured out why. my dad was so awful to me that i believed that all dads were like that - that because i was so close to him by blood that i would obviously be an abusive, hateful father to my kid(s). well, here i am to say to hell with that! i'm choosing to love my daughter and shower her with kisses and hugs and all the good things that fathers can give to their kids. i'll teach her how she deserves to be treated and how precious she is to me and more importantly jesus.

anyway, that's what's on my mind tonight....do well.....

9:22 PM

i would like to tell a story today if i may:

as most of you know, aimee and i have a new baby daughter named shaun. she is absolutely amazing and we both really love her. it's the best part of my day when i get to hold her, look at her, kiss her.

aimee stayed home for about 8 weeks after shaun was born. she totally took care of her and was wonderful. she got up at all hours of the night and changed and fed her and then she was home all day alone with her - taking care of her every need. it was a true labor of love and aimee loved it - even though it was really taxing.

about this time i had taken over directing alpha house - a discipleship house for young men in recovery. i have to keep control over almost every facet of their life and it takes a lot of time - time that could be spent with shaun and aimee. i have been on a pretty steep learning curve ever since. i'm not doing that great because i am just learning so slowly.

this brings me to the point of my story. aimee asked if i could spend more time with her and shaun - both because they love me and so that sometimes aimee could have some time to herself. so, i have tried (not very well) to accomodate that. we decided that wednesdays would be totally ours. no alpha house, no harbor, nothing.

last night was to be the first time that we had wednesday together. i forgot about it and stayed late at work to try to get some work done on a paper that is due for my class. this communicated to aimee that she was not number 1 and that i did not want to spend time with my daughter. i made a mistake. I did not intend to communicate this to her, but I see how my actions were hurtful and unthoughtful.

aimee – i want to say this in front of all of the people who read this. i was wrong – there is no excuse. please forgive me for making you feel unimportant – that is never, ever, ever my intent in anything. if i had thought about your needs ahead of my own, there would not have been a choice to make – i would have come right home and hung out with my two favorite people. i know that words are cheap and don’t mean much, but i am committed to making a way for us and I am committed to acting in ways that communicate my deep love and gratitude to you and my love and excitement about being a father to the most amazing little girl in the world.

will you forgive me? take as much time as you need – i’m not going anywhere.

10:23 AM

i don't know if anybody will notice, but i finally came to an acceptable solution for the ugly ass top of my page thingy...if it worked in explorer, it didn't work in safari - etcetera, etcetera, etcetera....

now it's not exactly what i wanted, but at least it looks right in all the browsers i tested....let me know if it's messed up in yours and i'll get back to working on it.

justin - i'll post about your comments sometime soon.....

10:29 AM

seriously - if you think you might be offended easily, don't read the previous post. it is the kind of bitter vitriol that plays in my head quite often.

i am not mad at anybody, nor do i dislike anybody for what they may or may not write to me. i do, however have quite a bit of anger towards our culture in general and specifically christian culture so when people counsel me to not give power to that it rubs me a little raw.

there are so many parallels between jesus and the poor, dirty, homeless, angry, helpless, hungry, addicted, broken-hearted people that i live among (myself included). it's just hard to see so many christians out in the public eye glorifying themselves or their latest money making tome and turning more and more people away from jesus. use that influence and those resources in a way that is real and helpful! all the people who are unacceptable in churched society are the ones who need the church to be what it was created to be - a place to sleep, a place to eat, to be accepted and loved, take a shower, feel important...all those things that get taken so for granted....

ok...sorry for another rant...i'm on a bit of a roll....

1:10 PM

Warning: If you are easily offended, please don't read this - it will probably offend you and that is nowhere near the purpose.


so for all you concerned citizens who sent emails to me about my last post, i want to say a sincere thanks for caring about me - really! it's totally cool to know that people have my back.

but, i do have to address one theme in all these emails so here goes:

do you guys really think that i'm going to buy into some pseudo-pop culture idea of who i am supposed to be? do you really think that the white washed, dumbed down christian pop world is where i find my identity? am i that much of a plastic wrapped paper doll that i would believe that if i don't pray the prayer of jabez in my purpose driven life wallpapered prayer closet (tm by wal-mart) while listening to the latest idolatrous packaged shit that somehow i'm not whole?

let me assure you that is definitely not the case. i attempt to write about real thoughts and feelings on this blog and i tend toward melancholy in my navel gazing more than abject happiness. that does not indicate a lack of joy or meaning! so before any of you start worrying about where my head and heart are, dig into your josh archives and you'll see that i am way to much of a rabid idealist to find substance in the fast food cultural wasteland that is our society - jesus is my measuring stick, but i am way human and way twisted so sometimes i just have to get stuff out...after all, that is what this blog is for!

there, i said it...damn, i'm tired now....

1:07 PM

i frequently find myself wishing i was something that i am not. i don't think i've ever truly been happy with what i am. i'm working on it, but there always seems to be something better. you know, you hear a song you like on the radio, but something compels you to turn the channel just in case there is another song just slightly better than the one you like already....

i wish i was a musician. i wish i was playing in front of crowds and making my living doing what i love most. there is nothing in the world that compares to making music and especially playing live - it's better than almost anything i can imagine. i wish i was a better singer and guitar player - mediocrity is tiring.

i wish i was a writer. i wish that i could wax philosophic in print and really make people think. i wish i was creative with words and could draw beautiful pictures of life and love that would inspire others to great things. most of all, it would be nice to believe that something meaningful is rolling around in this huge head of mine!

i wish i could love people without expectation. i try so hard to love and serve people with every fiber of my being, but a lot of times i don't because i know there will be no return. i don't think i do this consciously, but looking back at certain situations, i definitely know it's true.

i wish i could impact people's lives. jesus was so cool in that he really gave and loved and taught. i think i want this more than anything. that someone, somewhere would be able to say that i affected their lives in a positive way. i know it sounds trite, but i want to be jesus to people who need him but just don't know it. i know that i have to pursue him with everything i am to do this and i am so far off the mark.

i wish i was a teacher. it would be incredible to mold minds and help them think outside of their limited experience. not only kids, but anybody! to be able to communicate ideas, theories, and knowledge to someone who never thought in a specific direction would be so damn cool.

i wish i was a good husband and father. i am juggling so much life that i don't know if i'm doing these important jobs very well. i know, i know - i'm probably doing fine, but this is really on my mind. i want to love aimee without reserve or expectation - to lay my life down for her. i want to be able to communicate with no doubt that she is my one and only and that i have loved her and will love her forever. i want to spend time with shaun - teaching and playing and loving and learning - to have a bond with my daughter that is strong and lasting so that in the hard times she will know that her daddy is definitely for her.

now before anyone comments and starts worrying about me, don't. my live is full of love and joy and amazing things - i just needed to get this out so that i can keep going. i don't want to be bogged down in the "wish i could be" marshes...maybe i just wanted to believe that there are some out there who could relate (maybe all 2 or 3 of you that read this blog)!

9:27 AM