so much of my life is focused on reaction to whatever stimulus i'm experiencing at the time. i move and groove and bend and flow with other people's emotions, my emotions, the temperature, how well my vehicle is running.....i was listening to derek webb this morning, eating my low-fat bagel with low-fat cream cheese and i just started bawling. i can tell that i am really overwhelmed when i cry. i guess i need to be at the end of my rope, eh? i'm not sure what i was crying for, but i'm fairly certain it was repentance for the hate and judgement that i carry in my heart for the church. it's so strange that i feel this way because i really love the church. i know, i know, all kinds of feelings can coexist and intermingle...

anyway, something that stuck with me is how little i repent. how seldom i am on my knees asking for forgiveness for being rotten. i am so arrogant that i have rushed by humility on the way to some greater goal. wow, talk about not taking time to smell the flowers....

so, here i am - in front of all three people who read this - repenting. i want to ask for forgiveness and repent of my judgement and criticism of the church and of her people. people who understand that the church is not a place of perfection, but brokenness longing to be changed...not fixed, but utterly changed into the likeness of the one who was broken for them. so many times i shake my head at what i see "lesser" christians doing. what a hypocrite i am! what a faker! what a poser, even!!!!

have mercy on me oh god - according to your lovingkindness. wash me clean from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. i know that i have sinned against you and you only. i know i have done what is evil in your sight. i was conceived in sin and then born in sin, yet you desire truth and wisdom in the deepest parts of me. wash me clean and i will be as white as snow. let me hear joy and gladness and let the bones you have broken rejoice. create a pure heart in me and renew my spirit. do not send me away or leave me. restore me and sustain me. open my lips and my mouth will sing and shout to you. give me a broken spirit, a broken heart, a desire to be forgiven.....

11:54 AM

this morning as i walked in to work, i could imagine myself clothed in clean white linen, walking in silence...alone but not lonely.

for a moment my heart was at peace.
my mind stopped racing.
my eyes stopped darting around for the next brilliant, shiny imitation of good.
i was ready and able to hear creation groaning around me.
i was willing to hear the still voice of the one who loves me endlessly.

i was acutely aware of the sadness and despair with which we are constantly struggling.
"how can i preserve and light the way for a world that i can't admit i'm in?"
we are surrounded by voices and cries and visions of grandeur and loss - the rubble of broken promises...the wreckage of unmet needs...the scrap pile of millions of lost and abandoned dreams...all crying out for redemption.

for a moment, i could see clearly. for a moment, i was truly the one he created me to be. for a moment, it was just him and me.

i long for home. i long for questions to be answered and puzzles solved. i long for his presence that seems so fleeting.

until then, i keep searching, struggling, stumbling, fearing, trembling. until then, i sing redemption's song to any who will listen...

oh, until then......

8:49 AM

prayer

let not my eyes be opened so i can see
become my sight and be my vision
let not my ears be freed so i can hear
become my listening heart and be my song
let not my heart be healed and whole
become my love and be my strength
let not my flesh be strong with health
become my body and be my king
let not my feet be roaming free
become my path and be my steps
let not my hands stoop to my work
become my labor and be touch
let not my soul be full corrupt
become my spirit and be my all

9:05 AM

in my zeal to reach my goal of 100 pounds lost, i forgot to celebrate that i now have less than 100 to lose!!!

woo hoo!!!! 185 here i come!!!!

9:17 PM

what the crap! how did i miss that mitch hedberg died?!?!

crazy....

9:23 AM

i had called in sick to work because i just couldn't handle waiting tables that day. i was just sitting down to some chinese food and a movie - enjoying the fact that all six roommates were gone.

my sister called, crying. i asked her what was wrong and she said that everyone had been trying to get in touch with me all morning. i told her she had found me and asked her what was wrong. she said that our dad had died.

my first emotion was anger. i kicked the wall and would have thrown the phone (a favorite reaction of mine in those days), but brandi was still on the line. i didn't really have time to process much because this stuff happens so damn fast.

i got in whatever car i was driving those days. it seems like sean was with me, but i can't really remember. i remember passing john and henry on the way there. they were heading there to help comfort me or whatever.

he was in an examination room. everyone was standing around and crying. jacquie was in the room with him and i steeled my nerves and walked in. he was totally dressed and it looked like he was just asleep. he had a big bruise and scratch on his forehead because he had evidently just crumpled from the massive heart attack. jessie said that he had cradled him in his lap until the paramedics came, but he was gone almost instantly.

i touched his hair. i held his hand. i couldn't believe how calm i was considering the circumstances. his hands were always really rough and strong - i guess from a lifetime of working with them. i think i cried, but i don't really remember. the whole time i kept thinking that this could not possible be real. i kissed his forehead and got ready to do some comforting of my own.

my brother and i went out to the little picnic table area to smoke a cigarette and just talk some. we were both just stunned. all of a sudden this man that we loved and hated so much was gone. i remember thinking about all the times that i imagined him dead. did i do this? did i have anything to do with it? that would really suck. ok, of course i didn't. i don't have that kind of superpower and it's a damn good thing i don't.

it was weird - my dad was the one who terrorized and hurt me the most in my 24 years, and now he was gone. i should be happy, right? to tell the truth, there was some relief. but i guess it was the kind of relief that a kidnapping victim feels in being set free. there is elation at being free, then fear of dealing with all the emotions of being kidnapped, and finally, there is some sense of connection to the kidnapper that is now gone and there is a definite sadness. i was relieved, i was overwhelmed with sadness, and there was a lot of abuse and shit to deal with.

i wish that my dad could have had the chance to see me grow up. i wish there was a chance that he could be proud of me. even though our relationship was so horrible, i still always wanted him to be proud or approve of me. i just wonder if i could have or would have grown in the directions that i have if he had been around to hold me down and smother me. maybe i would have twisted like one of those old, gnarled elm trees...i don't know. maybe we would have made amends and become the best of friends? that would have been really bad-ass.

i guess i'll always wonder.

12:19 PM