i wanna live on an abstract plain

living with ocd and tourette's syndrome

2011-08-19T11:32:00.005-05:00

sometimes i feel like smashing everything around me - windows, lights, glasses, plates - anything breakable. i have this itch inside me that threatens to drive me crazy. it's like if i don't move my face or hands or shoulders or legs just right the world might end and or my family might die. i don't have a choice about what i do or how i do it. my body is not my own. i'm so tired. i wish i didn't have to give so much of my energy to trying to be normal and not hurt, scare, or embarrass the ones i love. i think that's why the depression comes. imagine life with no rest and no outlet for just being who you are - warts and all. and then imagine that even the ones who know about your warts still judge your actions as if you were perfectly normal - like them. nobody knows the turmoil and the mental and physical toll that ocd and tourette's takes on a person. it's not just the syndromes - it's controlling the tics and the obsessions. imagine being on a treadmill 24/7 - in your mind. imagine never resting because if you do the tics might get really bad. imagine that your life gets stressed enough that you don't have the energy to control the tics and they start getting really bad. it just sucks. i will fixate on something for so long - as if my life depends on it - and then one day i will have a moment of clarity and realize how dumb it is and just drop it. all of that time wasted on obsession.

the rage knows no boundaries...

2007-03-23T11:24:00.000-05:00

wow - i just looked over at jough's blog and damn! i am a bit intimidated. lots of big words and concepts. i like it.

2007-03-22T16:31:00.000-05:00

fact of the day:

siouxsie & the banshees spawned some famous people....
here is the list (in order of importance):

1. marco pirroni (adam and the ants guitarist and writer; written with sinead o'connor; noted authority on the punk movement)
2. sid vicious (gross bass player for the sex pistols; young dead guy)
3. robert smith (most notably of the cure)

jough - that's the best i got. much love.

2006-10-19T20:41:00.000-05:00

i'm in new york. we are making cookies. it is great here. i am tired. i need to get away more.

i wish i had something more old and crusty to say but i don't.

2006-10-17T09:47:00.000-05:00

i clearly do not have the amount of responsibility (or time) to have a blog. i really thought that i would write! the problem is that by the time i think of writing, anything worth writing is old and crusty and stale. oh well, i'll keep trying to outsmart time and rest.....

no greatness yet....

2006-09-21T09:59:00.000-05:00

i had planned to come back with force and really write some amazing stuff, but that didn't happen. this has been a pretty crazy week and it is interesting that the hard stuff always waits until i decide to blog....

anyway, while nothing is happening, here is a topic:

queso: good or evil?

talk amongst yourselves.....

am i back?

2006-09-02T16:59:00.000-05:00

so, a little over a year has passed. i thought about posting on the 19th and that seemed way too pretentious even for me....

anyway, i'm contemplating coming back to this more public forum to write. hopefully one day my "muy privado" blog will finally be up and running so this one can be the no-risk safe one....

peace.....

the end?

2005-08-19T08:57:00.000-05:00

this is the last post on abstractplain.com. thanks for looking.

2005-08-18T20:41:00.000-05:00

well, this is the third post in the last couple of days. we'll see if i decide to delete this one. i am dealing with more pain and confusion than i ever have in my life. i am in a situation where no matter what i choose, i lose. i hate being in this position. the fucked up part is that i have lived my life with as much integrity as i possibly could for the last nine years and my life still looks like shit. i have lost best friends, had family call me a crazy cult master, obeyed, humbled myself, been cussed out, yelled at, hit, and every day i allow my heart to be broken by the pain and suffering of the people around me - for what? a shitty little apartment with second hand furniture, shabby clothes, and debt that grows each month and will never get paid off? nice. now i am angry, hurt, confused, broken, lost, and ready to give up. see the thing is, i used to be an idealist. i think that person is finally broken.

dark night of the soul? fucking right.

this will be the last post on abstract plain. i'm sick of the whole thing.

sacred heart or ironed pants?

2005-07-25T11:43:00.000-05:00

so i ordered this great book by henri nouwen.

little did i know that i would receive a very fun surprise along with it!

this tract shows the obvious moral conflict going on inside the psyche of this particular seeker.
the question posed is "what is devotion to the sacred heart?"
the real question is "should somebody iron my pants or should i just do it myself?"

2005-06-26T21:16:00.000-05:00

why do i continue talking when i am clearly not being heard?
maybe to hear my own voice?
maybe to somehow prove my importance or my grasp of the concept of whatever?
is it so that i can tuck away that proverbial "i told you so" in my pocket for use on some rainy day when by ego just won't buoy my self-esteem?
i'm frustrated.
why?
here is why: i think that i have some wisdom of experience. i can pass this on and maybe save others some real pain.
here is the question: is that my job?
"sometimes i ask to seek a closer look - see to the final chapters of the book; and maybe steer us clear from some of the pain it took to get us where we are this far...but the question drowns in its futility, and even i have got to laugh at me. no one gets to miss the strom of what will be just holding on for the ride." the wood song by the indigo girls
so what good is wisdom except to the wise?
isn't struggle what ultimately produces change?
i know that at the very core pain and struggle force me to rely on a power greater than myself.
so, is my dissemination of "wisdom" futile or useful?

for that matter, who the hell am i to think that i have any wisdom to begin with?

2005-06-13T16:17:00.000-05:00

man, i miss my girls so much. it sucks being at work all day.

sweet little musician

2005-05-23T19:27:00.000-05:00

2005-05-17T10:32:00.000-05:00

silence
envelopes me like smoke from a smoldering cigarette
irritating - a bit stifling but oddly comforting
it curls around me waiting to be breathed

in the silence
i find peace

in the silence
i find rest

in the silence
i find you

silence
like a friend i miss dearly but can't force myself to call
lonely - yet full of presence
it waits for me to come away

in the silence
i find solace

in the silence
i find healing

in the silence
i find you

2005-04-22T11:54:00.000-05:00

so much of my life is focused on reaction to whatever stimulus i'm experiencing at the time. i move and groove and bend and flow with other people's emotions, my emotions, the temperature, how well my vehicle is running.....i was listening to derek webb this morning, eating my low-fat bagel with low-fat cream cheese and i just started bawling. i can tell that i am really overwhelmed when i cry. i guess i need to be at the end of my rope, eh? i'm not sure what i was crying for, but i'm fairly certain it was repentance for the hate and judgement that i carry in my heart for the church. it's so strange that i feel this way because i really love the church. i know, i know, all kinds of feelings can coexist and intermingle...

anyway, something that stuck with me is how little i repent. how seldom i am on my knees asking for forgiveness for being rotten. i am so arrogant that i have rushed by humility on the way to some greater goal. wow, talk about not taking time to smell the flowers....

so, here i am - in front of all three people who read this - repenting. i want to ask for forgiveness and repent of my judgement and criticism of the church and of her people. people who understand that the church is not a place of perfection, but brokenness longing to be changed...not fixed, but utterly changed into the likeness of the one who was broken for them. so many times i shake my head at what i see "lesser" christians doing. what a hypocrite i am! what a faker! what a poser, even!!!!

have mercy on me oh god - according to your lovingkindness. wash me clean from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. i know that i have sinned against you and you only. i know i have done what is evil in your sight. i was conceived in sin and then born in sin, yet you desire truth and wisdom in the deepest parts of me. wash me clean and i will be as white as snow. let me hear joy and gladness and let the bones you have broken rejoice. create a pure heart in me and renew my spirit. do not send me away or leave me. restore me and sustain me. open my lips and my mouth will sing and shout to you. give me a broken spirit, a broken heart, a desire to be forgiven.....

2005-04-15T08:49:00.000-05:00

this morning as i walked in to work, i could imagine myself clothed in clean white linen, walking in silence...alone but not lonely.

for a moment my heart was at peace.
my mind stopped racing.
my eyes stopped darting around for the next brilliant, shiny imitation of good.
i was ready and able to hear creation groaning around me.
i was willing to hear the still voice of the one who loves me endlessly.

i was acutely aware of the sadness and despair with which we are constantly struggling.
"how can i preserve and light the way for a world that i can't admit i'm in?"
we are surrounded by voices and cries and visions of grandeur and loss - the rubble of broken promises...the wreckage of unmet needs...the scrap pile of millions of lost and abandoned dreams...all crying out for redemption.

for a moment, i could see clearly. for a moment, i was truly the one he created me to be. for a moment, it was just him and me.

i long for home. i long for questions to be answered and puzzles solved. i long for his presence that seems so fleeting.

until then, i keep searching, struggling, stumbling, fearing, trembling. until then, i sing redemption's song to any who will listen...

oh, until then......

prayer

2005-04-06T09:05:00.000-05:00

let not my eyes be opened so i can see
become my sight and be my vision
let not my ears be freed so i can hear
become my listening heart and be my song
let not my heart be healed and whole
become my love and be my strength
let not my flesh be strong with health
become my body and be my king
let not my feet be roaming free
become my path and be my steps
let not my hands stoop to my work
become my labor and be touch
let not my soul be full corrupt
become my spirit and be my all

2005-04-05T21:17:00.000-05:00

in my zeal to reach my goal of 100 pounds lost, i forgot to celebrate that i now have less than 100 to lose!!!

woo hoo!!!! 185 here i come!!!!

2005-04-04T09:23:00.000-05:00

what the crap! how did i miss that mitch hedberg died?!?!

crazy....

2005-04-01T12:19:00.000-06:00

i had called in sick to work because i just couldn't handle waiting tables that day. i was just sitting down to some chinese food and a movie - enjoying the fact that all six roommates were gone.

my sister called, crying. i asked her what was wrong and she said that everyone had been trying to get in touch with me all morning. i told her she had found me and asked her what was wrong. she said that our dad had died.

my first emotion was anger. i kicked the wall and would have thrown the phone (a favorite reaction of mine in those days), but brandi was still on the line. i didn't really have time to process much because this stuff happens so damn fast.

i got in whatever car i was driving those days. it seems like sean was with me, but i can't really remember. i remember passing john and henry on the way there. they were heading there to help comfort me or whatever.

he was in an examination room. everyone was standing around and crying. jacquie was in the room with him and i steeled my nerves and walked in. he was totally dressed and it looked like he was just asleep. he had a big bruise and scratch on his forehead because he had evidently just crumpled from the massive heart attack. jessie said that he had cradled him in his lap until the paramedics came, but he was gone almost instantly.

i touched his hair. i held his hand. i couldn't believe how calm i was considering the circumstances. his hands were always really rough and strong - i guess from a lifetime of working with them. i think i cried, but i don't really remember. the whole time i kept thinking that this could not possible be real. i kissed his forehead and got ready to do some comforting of my own.

my brother and i went out to the little picnic table area to smoke a cigarette and just talk some. we were both just stunned. all of a sudden this man that we loved and hated so much was gone. i remember thinking about all the times that i imagined him dead. did i do this? did i have anything to do with it? that would really suck. ok, of course i didn't. i don't have that kind of superpower and it's a damn good thing i don't.

it was weird - my dad was the one who terrorized and hurt me the most in my 24 years, and now he was gone. i should be happy, right? to tell the truth, there was some relief. but i guess it was the kind of relief that a kidnapping victim feels in being set free. there is elation at being free, then fear of dealing with all the emotions of being kidnapped, and finally, there is some sense of connection to the kidnapper that is now gone and there is a definite sadness. i was relieved, i was overwhelmed with sadness, and there was a lot of abuse and shit to deal with.

i wish that my dad could have had the chance to see me grow up. i wish there was a chance that he could be proud of me. even though our relationship was so horrible, i still always wanted him to be proud or approve of me. i just wonder if i could have or would have grown in the directions that i have if he had been around to hold me down and smother me. maybe i would have twisted like one of those old, gnarled elm trees...i don't know. maybe we would have made amends and become the best of friends? that would have been really bad-ass.

i guess i'll always wonder.

on ritual

2005-03-30T09:13:00.000-06:00

i go out and gather wood like manna from heaven. it lies on the ground waiting for me to come and give it meaning. if i stock up, it almost always rains and the wood is pretty much ruined. so, i try to only gather what is needed for the day.

i pile it all up in the chiminea like a boy scout and start it up. The twigs and kindling are on the bottom to make the red hot base that burns the larger pieces.

then i sit in silence and contemplate.
the fire.
my life.
my cup of coffee.
the baby monitor crackles with the fire and i think about my daughter.
maybe i talk to you.
maybe i listen.
maybe i just enjoy being.

as the wood burns, i grab the broom and begin sweeping away the detritus of the night and the morning. i sweep away the cast off cigarette butts, sunflower seed hulls, dirt, leaves - i sweep it all away. The plain, ordinary work of making a space is healing and enjoyable.

i drink my coffee or tea, smoke cigarettes, chew sunflower seeds...think about whether i want to write or think or read.

i am centered.
i am calm.
i am peaceful.
this ritual ushers me to a place where i can see and hear clearly. even if it is only for a few moments, i know that you are with me - here and everywhere. you call to me from the flames, you speak to me in the words of the authors i read - my desert fathers and mothers.

i am content and full and empty.

what about all the junk that i have to do later in the day? later can wait. right now is here and i am fully present.

anxiety tries to creep in, but the ritual of the broom and the fire and the baby monitor push it back into the abyss where it belongs.

i am quiet and serene and easy.

this ritual is constantly teaching me about an easy yoke and a light burden. the ritual convinces me in its simplicity that you are in all things and all things are in you.

simple ritual.
ordinary work.
gathering together the pieces of peace.
listening.
being.
learning the "unforced rhythms of grace."

the sound of your silent voice in my head, in my heart, in the deep parts of my soul.
i can't fight it or hide it. i don't want to.

i want to be.

arrogancy transparogancy

2005-03-29T09:54:00.000-06:00

ah the next huge mountain to climb....

i am certain in my mind that i, like socrates, have knowledge only of my own ignorance. but, my heart is a big fat liar and betrays the truth of my actions.

i am an arrogant prick.

i don't want to be an arrogant prick.

i am choosing to be brutally honest about the condition of my heart so that i can be healed. again, in my head, i know none of this is true. however, in my twisted heart, i’m funnier than you, i’m smarter than you, i’m critical of you because you don’t think like me, i’m critical of you because you don’t agree with me, i think that if i give you something that i deserve something in return. and guess what, all this stuff makes me mad at you! wow. i'm nuts.

oh there's more, but this is a good start.

2005-03-25T08:44:00.000-06:00

fear.

"whatever i fear the most is whatever i see before me..."

it's strange to still be such a slave to my fear. i was talking to a close friend the other day and he reminded me of my own life and how much i give in to fear.

i have always had this strange feeling that as i put off the old man and walk into the new that there will come a point where i don't know myself anymore. i'm not sure why that is such a bad thing, but it has always felt fearful at varying degrees.

i'm afraid that if i give up my rage and my rebellion that i won't have anything left. even more, i think i'm afraid to be normal and good. it feels as if my rebellion is the only thing keeping me from being plain, white vanilla - normal. i despise the status quo, conformity, subservience (afraid?). yet in some sense these are the very things that i have given my life to for the last 8 years (okay, maybe not exactly, but my warped mind sometimes feels that these negative sides are the truth).

so, i think, i woke up from my sleep only to become normal? hmmm...interesting concept. neo is released from the pod of his captors only to live a life of mediocrity and normality - an existence marked by nothing in particular that holds him up as "other". rationally i know that i am on the greatest adventure i could ever wish for. but sometimes in my heart - when i let fear reign - i feel like i am becoming something to disdain - as if the things of this world mean one damn thing!

to live is christ, to die is gain. i need it. i want it. i am striving for it. i'm terrified.

2005-03-24T13:58:00.000-06:00

new york
you took my brother
and left me questioning.

amarillo
you took my friend
and left me in the empty.

california
you took my partner
and left me with no song.

all of these are gone too long.

the grief at times seems much to bear.
i need them each.
here.
not there.

mystery can be so cruel.
history isn’t taught in school
but only in our souls, our hearts, our heads.
mystery leaves us wondering.
history leaves us blundering
lurching, mumbling, following

being led...

2005-03-22T08:40:00.000-06:00

hehehe....the drugs i need....

2005-03-17T11:42:00.000-06:00

every day i yearn for more depth (i know the word yearn is really fluffy but i couldn't think of an appropriate non-fluffy word)in my life. it's funny, in my desperate desire to distance myself from the church, i am finding more and more value in her ancient, mystical nature.

i thought that i was distancing myself from the church, but really i was just running from the white-washed, weak, and concrete version that america has created. was i running from mystery? from ritual? from wisdom? not so much. i was (and am) so fed up with the bastardization of the body that it makes me physically ill.

i love the church. if we love jesus, we will love his bride. it seems that simple to me. this definitely does not mean that we owe support or homage to the buildings and structures that are currently in place. we love the mystical church - "the great cloud of witnesses", the brotherhood of faith, hope, and love, the sojourners aching for home, the whore in tatters dreaming of the promised purity of her union with her maker.

i love the church. i hate the church. human nature is so strange.

2005-03-16T09:34:00.000-06:00

so chris was here this weekend with his friend jeff. it was really quick and i didn't get to spend near enough time with either of them. but, luckily there was plenty of time to chatter like an idiot and generally make myself look desperate and lonely.

laura - we really missed you and the girls but it probably would have been far, far too painful to have had all of you for only a second......

a touch of color....

2005-03-07T21:36:00.000-06:00

2005-02-25T08:40:00.000-06:00

at 8:49am on wednesday morning, february 23, my good friends danny and trisha delivered a beautiful baby boy!

soren daniel kennedy was 10 pounds and 21 3/4 inches long. what a freakin' huge baby!

now sean, danny, and i all have kids. it's kind of hard to believe how different our lives look since starting rahab, harbor, and moving in different directions altogether. i am thankful for both of them and the time we shared life together.

sean and danny, you have both taught me so much and i love you both. i hope that our kids will help heal us all and perhaps even bring us back together in some way.

2005-02-23T08:22:00.000-06:00

a little while ago my best friend and his family moved to amarillo. amarillo. yes, i said amarillo.

i don't know when the mourning is going to end if ever, but this post serves two purposes. one, to put my pain on paper (so to speak) and two, to out his blog. he writes at sojourner. show him some love for me will you?

chris, you have been an invaluable part of my life for many years and while it breaks my heart to miss out on you and laura and tressa and eliora, i'm encouraged by your sojourn. love you.

2005-02-21T09:02:00.000-06:00

how i hate xp
windows - straight from the devil
nothing works quite right

2005-02-18T12:34:00.000-06:00

Lovely hot pocket
So flaky, crisp, nutritious
Death by microwave

2005-02-18T10:48:00.000-06:00

hey, can i borrow your moral compass?

how does the moral compass company decide true north?

talk amongst yourselves:

topic: how stupid is the phrase "moral compass"?

2005-02-18T10:38:00.000-06:00

people confuse the hell out of me. what happened to being honest? i hate to do it, but i gotta quote the enormously bloated pompous-ass billy joel: honesty is such a lonely word. everyone is so untrue....

why can't people just talk about what's going on? why is there so much dodging and ducking? we're all just broken, fucked up people right?

i guess to me it just feels so much simpler and real to just be who you are, where you are to everybody. so many people have two or three or ten different groups of people who know them as totally different individuals. happy with one group, drunk with another, crying with another....

that has got to be awfully tiring - i know it is to watch it.

2005-02-14T09:02:00.000-06:00

ah, valentines day....the day to assuage the guilt of a year of ignoring the one you love...

boycott valentines! don't buy cards! don't give money to the greeting card companies!

do something radical. make a commitment right now to show your love throughout the year.

buy flowers for no reason.
kiss a lot.
send a sweet note just because.
give lots of hugs.
tell the people you care about excactly how you feel as often as possible.
do the little things that your loved ones really care about.
kiss a lot.

it's ok to not support holidays that were created by greeting card companies and retailers, but it takes some creativity and work. it's ok to love people for more than one day and to make them feel special for their entire lives.

ok, i'm stepping down from the soapbox.

by the way, just so everyone knows, i have the most beautiful, wonderful wife in the entire world!

2005-02-12T21:23:00.000-06:00

aaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!

2005-02-07T08:27:00.000-06:00

just in case anybody thinks this is interesting, i wanted to let everyone know that i have officially lost over 80 pounds!! yee-haw!!!!!!!!!

2005-02-04T09:13:00.000-06:00

aimee had a bad infection and severe dehydration that almost landed her in the hospital...erika has a bad kidney infection that landed her in the emergency room...craig and stephanie had a precious baby girl...danny and trish's baby boy is coming any day now...yesterday my best friend, mentor, and father had a heart attack and is in the hospital for tests to see if he may need surgery...betty's dad went to the emergency room last night with pneumonia and an infection...

i know that i should be thinking about all of these, but i am so tired and scared and excited and freaked out that i'm having trouble praying for them and serving them.

would you pray for me that i would not get wrapped up in my fear and desire for comfort? would you pray that god will give me strength, energy, knowledge, and wisdom to know how to pray and serve the people i love?

would you say special prayers for each of these members of my family?

the battle is on and i am struggling not to be selfish and afraid.

2005-01-29T13:04:00.000-06:00

ok...a little update on aimee...the days are running together at this point! she has a urinary tract infection which is one thing, but the really bad thing is that she is severely dehydrated and can't keep any liquids down. we are on hospital watch right now in case we need to go get intravenous fluids. she seems to be better but then she turns a corner and feels worse. we appreciate all your prayers!

2005-01-27T10:46:00.000-06:00

i'm home today with aimee and shaun. aimee has had a terrible headache since yesterday and it got so bad today that she threw up and if you know aimee, that is a big deal!

she looks very pale and really can't function. i'm worried. would you all pray for her? the earliest we could get to the doc is 2pm, so pray for me too - i've got a baby on my hands that wants her mommy!!!

2005-01-26T13:02:00.000-06:00

as a reply to jough's comment on my last post, i just want to say that i think that things can be hard and not "suck". yeah, being married sucks sometimes, but the benefits are far greater than that suckage. marriage is hard because we are selfish, self-centered beings who want things our way. the hard part is loving that other person enough to not have to get your own way.

i love my wife, i love my baby, i love my life. i am glad i'm married - sometimes to the point of cheering....but that doesn't mean that it's not hard.

and oh yeah, jough, i am not always at my computer when you IM....sorry man....but just because i'm not there don't assume i don't love you!

2005-01-26T10:42:00.000-06:00

being married is hard. sometimes it's easier to walk away than to stay and fight - even through the pain of letting go. i have heard that several couples who are very close to me are splitting up and my heart is breaking for them.

i can't judge them or be angry at them for what they feel they need to do, but it is still pretty hard to watch.

please say a prayer for my friends and their families.

2005-01-25T09:09:00.000-06:00

Love's Recovery

During the time of which I speak
It was hard to turn the other cheek
To the blows of insecurity
Feeding the cancer of my intellect
The blood of love soon neglected
Lay dying in the strength of its impurity
Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
They've all gone and left each other
In search of fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love's recovery

There I am in younger days, star gazing
Painting picture perfect maps
Of how my life and love would be
Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection
My compass - faith in love's perfection
I missed ten million miles of road i should have seen
Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
Left each other one by one on the road to fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love's recovery

Rain soaked and voice choked
Like silent screaming in a dream
I search for our absolute distinction
Not content to bow and bend
To the whims of culture that swoop like vultures
Eating us away, eating us away
Eating us away to our extinction

Oh how i wish i were a trinity
So if i lost a part of me
I'd still have two of the same to live
But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal
As specks of dust we're universal
To let this love survive
Would be the greatest gift that we could give
Tell all the friends who think they're so together
That these are ghosts and mirages
All these thoughts of fairer weather
Though it's storming out I feel safe within the arms
Of love's discovery

- emily saliers

2005-01-19T11:04:00.000-06:00

just for the record, it is way, way, way past time for a road trip to the big d to see the rudds. maybe one day soon we'll get a wild hair and head up to the cultural apex of texas and pay them a visit!

2005-01-10T17:51:00.000-06:00

there is no comprehending the study habits of the very mild mannered shaun in her natural habitat.

2005-01-10T08:26:00.000-06:00

an anonymous someone sent me the new nirvana box set in the mail on friday. it is really, really good - and very haunting.

before i give the rest of my review, i want to say that i am not in any way flippant about drug use. these are simply my opinions on the music.

i think that jane's addiction was a great band when they started. they blew in quick, made a mess, and blew up. listening to their most recent stuff, i am of the opinion that they were a much better band as junkies.

this is not so with kurt. listening to this collection of demos, one-offs, and radio performances, it is clear that heroin destroyed a great and painful voice. this guy was brilliant when he was clear, and horrid when he was immersed in the chocolate world of h.

if you are not a fan, this is probably not the purchase for you, but wow, if you are, you gotta get it. it's incredible - both brilliant and uplifting and painful and haunting. good stuff.

2005-01-03T10:57:00.000-06:00

the life aquatic with steve zissou

go. see. it.

2004-12-24T10:24:00.000-06:00

it's snowing!! shaun's first christmas has snow....wow - big props to the j!!!!

2004-12-23T21:37:00.000-06:00

2004-12-23T09:53:00.000-06:00

2004-12-19T21:22:00.000-06:00

joshua, kristen, and judah showed up on saturday night and surprised us. it was awesome to see you guys and way, way too short....
aimee and i are getting ready to enjoy the first of two weeks off from work! very exciting stuff....

2004-12-17T09:43:00.000-06:00

the new blog design should work in opera (pc), safari, and firefox (pc and mac)...
it definitely does not work in internet crapsplorer...i'm just not that smart yet! if you would be so kind to let me know what you think of the design, any ideas to make it better, and any bugs, i would very much appreciate it!!

2004-12-17T09:06:00.000-06:00

ok...here's the quote of the day:

"Yeah, but Em, you say that out loud and God writes that shit down! You gotta be careful what you say!"

2004-12-16T08:24:00.000-06:00

i don't know how to go on this morning. as rich said, "it's so hot inside my soul, i swear there must be blisters on my heart."
i am really discouraged and don't know how to step out of it. i have been living my life like this for 8 long years - giving, losing, trying...
most 22 year olds i know don't know where they've been, where they are, or where they are going, but i gave my life to a mission and have stuck with it with all the ups and downs, goods and bads. i've watched my best friends walk away one by one, watched the same friends and others make money, buy houses, buy cars, live lives of comfort. i've had my family slowly pull away, tell me i'm crazy to my face, tell me that i am in a cult or that i am way off the mark in living the way that i do and serving those that i do.
even after all of this, when i try to find some way to take care of my family, i'm accused of trying to "get the most for the least" by one of the closest people to me. if they don't know my heart by now, what's the point?
even still, i wake up every morning with the drive to make a difference - no matter how small and then i'm discouraged by what little difference my life actually makes. i never feel like i've given or done enough - not in some guilty, shameful way, but an inner heart, driven way.
i want to walk away from the pain and loss. i want to not have to see people i love suffering. as a matter of fact, i want to not love them at all. i want to find a place where everyone is healthy and whole and functional.
i want to embrace the pain. i want to love deeply. i want to walk with people through their suffering. i want the power of god to work in me to heal and make whole.
somewhere i must be missing the mark. i don't quite know where.
i just know that i don't know how to go on in the midst of the pain of others and my own pain.
i know i will. somehow, i know i will.

2004-12-15T08:53:00.000-06:00

it's almost christmas and i just have to say for the record....

i miss the ted

2004-12-10T09:00:00.000-06:00

aimee and i have made an exciting and scary decision that i want to share with you. we have decided that she will be staying home with shaun starting in january. this comes with significant financial burden (we will be about $600 short every month), but it will be worth it for the benefit to shaun and aimee (and daddy). aimee is worried about money and whether this is the right thing to do - oh, and the whole career thing too!

those who pray, would you pray for us - and aimee especially for peace in the midst of a scary decision? thanks.

2004-12-06T10:45:00.000-06:00

aimee and i found a really fun house that we looked at this weekend. it has 5 bedrooms and two garage apartments and it has a carport with a big deck on top! it is awesome and great for communal living, but there will have to be some financial miracle to make it all happen - we are so dang broke! there is a down payment to come up with, people that will move in and pay rent, renovations that need to happen up front and along the way....a lot of stuff - please pray for that miracle!!
here is a picture...

2004-11-30T09:13:00.000-06:00

joe -
i know you can't read, but here's the deal: if you want to pee on yourself, that's ok - i don't want to infringe upon your love of personal golden showers. if you don't, you shouldn't lean so far out from the telephone pole that you fall while trying to pee!

2004-11-29T09:47:00.000-06:00

ah...the morning (mourning) after a four day weekend....

sucks being back in the grind!

i wanted to clarify that my last post was not designed to guilt or shame anyone for celebrating thanksgiving. i think it's great to be thankful! my personal take is that we should celebrate and be thankful each day and on this day, we should mourn and acknowledge this horrible part of our history...

everybody thinks i'm cuckoo because i think this, so my blog is my only means of protest and there it is.

peace.

2004-11-25T10:11:00.000-06:00

2004-11-18T11:41:00.000-06:00

if you are a geeky bad-ass like i know i am, you gotta get this. it's even cross-platform!

way cool.

2004-11-13T13:19:00.000-06:00

the cry of a truly desperate woman:

where's the booger snatcher!!!???

2004-11-13T00:32:00.000-06:00

sitting here with the fire crackling, enjoying the quiet. baby is sleeping in her crib in the next room, aimee is asleep in our room. it's very peaceful and nice. i love winter nights - even if we only get one or two a year.

by the way, my apartment now smells like a camp fire.....

2004-11-12T11:26:00.000-06:00

i'm really bored with all my music right now....

there just doesn't seem to be much that is exciting out there. i listened to the proclaimers this morning and they are so damn cool. you gotta check them out if you are into scottish folk pop gospel...really cool and quirky.

pretty much all i've been into lately is sad bastard music like pedro the lion and damien jurado...really good stuff, but not terribly exciting.

what are you listening to that i should check out to get over the hump?

2004-11-11T09:24:00.000-06:00

emily reminded me how much i love that when we sing to shaun, she stops crying and starts laughing and smiling! i love it. here is her favorite song:

jesus loves the little shaun-y
oh what a special girl
good or bad, wrong or right
she is precious in his sight
jesus loves the little shaun-y with the curls....

what a sweet little girl.....

2004-11-10T18:24:00.000-06:00

hey everyone - i don't know who wrote this, but i have had it for a long time and it expresses my life exactly. spooky....

Attention Future House Church Planters--Count the Cost:
Expect pain.
Expect to be misunderstood.
Expect to be persecuted and expect it to come first from those who follow Jesus.
Expect to be maligned, attacked and ridiculed from all sides.
Expect to grow tired and weary.
Expect to want to give up.
Expect to lose many old friends.
Expect to lose all of your friends where the "church" is the central reason for your friendship.
Only your deep and Christ-centered friendships will endure.
Expect to be labeled. (a freak, a hippie, a cult leader, a quitter, a fraud, an idealist, a purist, a heretic, a divider, a communist, a jerk, an egomaniac, a devil worshiper)
Yes, I've been called them all to my face.
Expect to weep...deeper and stronger than you ever have.
Expect to doubt your calling, your convictions, your path, your faith, and your life.
Expect to be lonely.
Expect to be seen as utterly unsuccessful.
Expect to die...nothing will be left of you. You will cease to exist. The last things in you to die will be your desire to be great for God and your desire to be happy.
And then, you will finally...

Live.

Expect life.
Expect meaning.
Expect to finally understand the prophets and apostles.
Expect to know Jesus and his life...for that is all that you will have...and that is all that you need.

2004-11-10T11:43:00.000-06:00

i agree with joshua 100%. i've said it before and i'll say it again - if you can't have safari, you gotta get off the internet explorer bandwagon and get you some mozilla!

ps. this is really fun!

2004-11-08T22:24:00.000-06:00

i still don't have anything to say, but i'll post this just for fun!! what a beautiful little angel!!

2004-11-03T15:26:00.000-06:00

i wish i was feeling more posty these days, but a lot of factors are conspiring to keep me tired and uninterested. maybe i'll have another renaissance after a while.

over and out.

2004-10-28T11:09:00.000-05:00

wow. this is the ultimate geek gadget of the millenium. it would look very stylish and beautiful next to my powerbook. i also have to agree with nathan that this is a monstrosity (though i love u2).....

good day.

2004-10-26T20:31:00.000-05:00

tonight i am feeling unsettled. it's vague and obvious at the same time - kind of like the summer air in houston. i am enveloped in a strangely uncomfortable feeling that is very familiar and it's hard to breathe.

sometimes i'm able to set aside the longing, the loneliness, the grief....long enough to realize that i will never really be whole in this life. tonight, i can't. generally i'm comforted at having more questions than answers, more problems than fixes. i like the fact that there are loose ends and uneasy silences and answers that defy logic. tonight, it's painful - little needle stabs in my soul as if my heart has gone to sleep and may never wake up.

it's like i'm waiting for some cosmic comedian to jump out and say "just kidding - life really is all about fried food, malted hops, big cars, and the american dream!" that would be a much easier answer than the silence i so often encounter from him. i feel like the song lyrics:

"this is not the land that was promised to me
even as far as my eyes can see...
i'm so bound up lord i can't even breathe
and i don't want words
no i just want some peace."

i just want some peace. oh, and maybe a chicken fried steak with a beer.

2004-10-21T08:45:00.000-05:00

ok, so i've been avoiding writing anything political on this blog, but after being chased down by the babagazillionth radical waving pamphlets and screaming epithets about who they assume my choice for president is, i just can't help but say something.....

since when did civic responsibility become the mandate to guilt people into voting for their candidate? or better yet, when did it become a mandate to guilt people to vote - period?

you may disagree with me, and i'm ok with that, but i am well aware of my "civic duty" and i take it very seriously. i do not vote. there - i said it. i have been vilified in many different ways for this stance and i know it won't stop. i have been told that i am a part of a generation whose anger is only trumped by it's apathy. i have been told that as an american citizen, i am bound to vote and if i don't, i should just move to another country.

being apolitical comes with more persecution and backlash than being a christian ever has.

i am not apathetic. i am angry. i am frustrated. i am impotent. i have given a lot of thought to my stance on politics. i have given a lot of thought to my civic duty. i don't vote as my protest against a system of government that is utterly corrupt and in my opinion, unsalvageable. people - you don't vote for president!!!! voting has become the "opiate of the masses" - it gives the appearance of impact, but in reality, we have very little (in the political arena).

i don't vote for christian politicians so they can "restore christian values to america" because a politician is a politician is a politician. to be involved in politics, you must compromise and you must be in some sense corrupt. i also believe that morality cannot be legislated - separation of church and state is a good thing! if we legislate morality, then the government controls that morality and can give or take that freedom at will! i don't want people forced to live by my view of what is right - the central premise of salvation and christianity in general is that we have FREE WILL - free will to follow jesus or not follow him.

i know, i know - i might as well just put a bullseye on my forehead, but this is my choice and my vote.

i just can't find where jesus was into politics. he was into telling the truth, loving people, and being about the bars and brothels about his father's work.

that is who i want to be.

2004-10-19T10:30:00.000-05:00

wow - i just had the best morning! as many of you know, shaun goes to work with aimee every day and will for about the next two months until aimee's mom can take care of her for us.

aimee has an important meeting every tuesday morning that she can't have shaun in because it just would not be at the professional level it needs to be at with an infant in the room. so, i kept shaun this morning. it was the first time that i have had her all to myself with no net - and it was awesome!

i got her up and we cooed and played and smiled and then about ten minutes into it, she started screaming! i did everything i could, but she is in a definite momma's girl stage right now and i could just tell that she wanted her momma. so, i grab a bottle and we commence to feeding - she was sooooooo hungry! that was really tender and great bonding for us. then she finishes the bottle and immediately starts screaming for momma again. i burp her, she throws up all over both of us, i change her second poopy diaper of the morning (which of course was violent and therefore all over her) and then we popped her in the car seat and took her to momma!

i am so walking on a cloud today - it was the best start to a day that i have had in a very, very long time. i love my shaun bear!!!

2004-10-17T21:22:00.000-05:00

this has been a gipsy kings kind of weekend. i have listened to them all weekend - from este mundo to mosaique, from somos gitanos to roots....it's been really great.

fixed the stereos in both cars this weekend so aimee and i are really happy to have tunes the way they were meant to be!

right now, i'm just sitting with aimee on the couch working on the paper that is due tomorrow and thinking how much i don't want to pull an all-nighter for this thing!

shaun is really growing...she has found her voice and her shrieks of joy are so funny! she grabs her toes and stands up and laughs and laughs - i'm having the greatest time being a daddy...i never would have thought it!

i was thinking this weekend about fatherhood. i would have fallen into the "vehemently opposed to having children" group before we found out about shaun. i just really did not want kids. i finally figured out why. my dad was so awful to me that i believed that all dads were like that - that because i was so close to him by blood that i would obviously be an abusive, hateful father to my kid(s). well, here i am to say to hell with that! i'm choosing to love my daughter and shower her with kisses and hugs and all the good things that fathers can give to their kids. i'll teach her how she deserves to be treated and how precious she is to me and more importantly jesus.

anyway, that's what's on my mind tonight....do well.....

2004-10-14T10:23:00.000-05:00

i would like to tell a story today if i may:

as most of you know, aimee and i have a new baby daughter named shaun. she is absolutely amazing and we both really love her. it's the best part of my day when i get to hold her, look at her, kiss her.

aimee stayed home for about 8 weeks after shaun was born. she totally took care of her and was wonderful. she got up at all hours of the night and changed and fed her and then she was home all day alone with her - taking care of her every need. it was a true labor of love and aimee loved it - even though it was really taxing.

about this time i had taken over directing alpha house - a discipleship house for young men in recovery. i have to keep control over almost every facet of their life and it takes a lot of time - time that could be spent with shaun and aimee. i have been on a pretty steep learning curve ever since. i'm not doing that great because i am just learning so slowly.

this brings me to the point of my story. aimee asked if i could spend more time with her and shaun - both because they love me and so that sometimes aimee could have some time to herself. so, i have tried (not very well) to accomodate that. we decided that wednesdays would be totally ours. no alpha house, no harbor, nothing.

last night was to be the first time that we had wednesday together. i forgot about it and stayed late at work to try to get some work done on a paper that is due for my class. this communicated to aimee that she was not number 1 and that i did not want to spend time with my daughter. i made a mistake. I did not intend to communicate this to her, but I see how my actions were hurtful and unthoughtful.

aimee – i want to say this in front of all of the people who read this. i was wrong – there is no excuse. please forgive me for making you feel unimportant – that is never, ever, ever my intent in anything. if i had thought about your needs ahead of my own, there would not have been a choice to make – i would have come right home and hung out with my two favorite people. i know that words are cheap and don’t mean much, but i am committed to making a way for us and I am committed to acting in ways that communicate my deep love and gratitude to you and my love and excitement about being a father to the most amazing little girl in the world.

will you forgive me? take as much time as you need – i’m not going anywhere.

2004-10-11T10:29:00.000-05:00

i don't know if anybody will notice, but i finally came to an acceptable solution for the ugly ass top of my page thingy...if it worked in explorer, it didn't work in safari - etcetera, etcetera, etcetera....

now it's not exactly what i wanted, but at least it looks right in all the browsers i tested....let me know if it's messed up in yours and i'll get back to working on it.

justin - i'll post about your comments sometime soon.....

2004-10-08T13:10:00.000-05:00

seriously - if you think you might be offended easily, don't read the previous post. it is the kind of bitter vitriol that plays in my head quite often.

i am not mad at anybody, nor do i dislike anybody for what they may or may not write to me. i do, however have quite a bit of anger towards our culture in general and specifically christian culture so when people counsel me to not give power to that it rubs me a little raw.

there are so many parallels between jesus and the poor, dirty, homeless, angry, helpless, hungry, addicted, broken-hearted people that i live among (myself included). it's just hard to see so many christians out in the public eye glorifying themselves or their latest money making tome and turning more and more people away from jesus. use that influence and those resources in a way that is real and helpful! all the people who are unacceptable in churched society are the ones who need the church to be what it was created to be - a place to sleep, a place to eat, to be accepted and loved, take a shower, feel important...all those things that get taken so for granted....

ok...sorry for another rant...i'm on a bit of a roll....

2004-10-08T13:07:00.000-05:00

Warning: If you are easily offended, please don't read this - it will probably offend you and that is nowhere near the purpose.

so for all you concerned citizens who sent emails to me about my last post, i want to say a sincere thanks for caring about me - really! it's totally cool to know that people have my back.

but, i do have to address one theme in all these emails so here goes:

do you guys really think that i'm going to buy into some pseudo-pop culture idea of who i am supposed to be? do you really think that the white washed, dumbed down christian pop world is where i find my identity? am i that much of a plastic wrapped paper doll that i would believe that if i don't pray the prayer of jabez in my purpose driven life wallpapered prayer closet (tm by wal-mart) while listening to the latest idolatrous packaged shit that somehow i'm not whole?

let me assure you that is definitely not the case. i attempt to write about real thoughts and feelings on this blog and i tend toward melancholy in my navel gazing more than abject happiness. that does not indicate a lack of joy or meaning! so before any of you start worrying about where my head and heart are, dig into your josh archives and you'll see that i am way to much of a rabid idealist to find substance in the fast food cultural wasteland that is our society - jesus is my measuring stick, but i am way human and way twisted so sometimes i just have to get stuff out...after all, that is what this blog is for!

there, i said it...damn, i'm tired now....

2004-10-05T09:27:00.000-05:00

i frequently find myself wishing i was something that i am not. i don't think i've ever truly been happy with what i am. i'm working on it, but there always seems to be something better. you know, you hear a song you like on the radio, but something compels you to turn the channel just in case there is another song just slightly better than the one you like already....

i wish i was a musician. i wish i was playing in front of crowds and making my living doing what i love most. there is nothing in the world that compares to making music and especially playing live - it's better than almost anything i can imagine. i wish i was a better singer and guitar player - mediocrity is tiring.

i wish i was a writer. i wish that i could wax philosophic in print and really make people think. i wish i was creative with words and could draw beautiful pictures of life and love that would inspire others to great things. most of all, it would be nice to believe that something meaningful is rolling around in this huge head of mine!

i wish i could love people without expectation. i try so hard to love and serve people with every fiber of my being, but a lot of times i don't because i know there will be no return. i don't think i do this consciously, but looking back at certain situations, i definitely know it's true.

i wish i could impact people's lives. jesus was so cool in that he really gave and loved and taught. i think i want this more than anything. that someone, somewhere would be able to say that i affected their lives in a positive way. i know it sounds trite, but i want to be jesus to people who need him but just don't know it. i know that i have to pursue him with everything i am to do this and i am so far off the mark.

i wish i was a teacher. it would be incredible to mold minds and help them think outside of their limited experience. not only kids, but anybody! to be able to communicate ideas, theories, and knowledge to someone who never thought in a specific direction would be so damn cool.

i wish i was a good husband and father. i am juggling so much life that i don't know if i'm doing these important jobs very well. i know, i know - i'm probably doing fine, but this is really on my mind. i want to love aimee without reserve or expectation - to lay my life down for her. i want to be able to communicate with no doubt that she is my one and only and that i have loved her and will love her forever. i want to spend time with shaun - teaching and playing and loving and learning - to have a bond with my daughter that is strong and lasting so that in the hard times she will know that her daddy is definitely for her.

now before anyone comments and starts worrying about me, don't. my live is full of love and joy and amazing things - i just needed to get this out so that i can keep going. i don't want to be bogged down in the "wish i could be" marshes...maybe i just wanted to believe that there are some out there who could relate (maybe all 2 or 3 of you that read this blog)!

2004-09-30T23:37:00.000-05:00

well - here i am again, late at night writing on the computer! another one of my guys relapsed tonight and that is always so time consuming. if i didn't know that this is what god wanted me to do, i would be so out of here....

it is frustrating, painful, and annoying to deal with this, but i think most of all i just want to see these guys succeed so badly that it is always a real blow when they don't. keep praying out there and we'll keep trying - i have to believe in miracles!

2004-09-23T23:03:00.000-05:00

well, we're all packed up and ready to leave at six in the morning!

we're going to visit my grandmother so she can see shaun before she gets too senile from the alzheimer's disease. i'm really sad about that - i love my grandmother a lot. i guess it's just the circle of life, right? i think she's ready to go home anyway so i guess i should be happy for her in some strange way....

anyway, we're also going to see chris and laura while we're in amarillo, so that will be cool. i'll try to write from the road!!

2004-09-20T13:12:00.000-05:00

can i just say that internet explorer sucks! if you want a decent browser, go get firefox. it's a much better looking and working browser...better yet, switch to a mac or linux box!!

i'm really not a snob, i'm just sick of dealing with all the problems in ie.....

2004-09-19T13:19:00.000-05:00

been spending a little time with my favorite girl today...it's been great!

by the way, if anybody out there has an extra copy of ilife '04, i could sure use it...iphoto 2.0 can't do batch functions....that sucks!

2004-09-15T11:07:00.000-05:00

so for those of you who care about my journey to better health, here is some sad information (at least for me). we bought a nice digital scale to replace the ancient one we were using and it turns out that i am not 325 as the old scale said, but 342! i've got a lot more work to do than i thought! i'm up for the challenge, but it's just amazing that i have let myself go so badly...i'm ready to be able to bend over and tie my shoes, walk somewhere without being winded, play with my little girl when she's old enough, and just be a normal sized guy for once in my life. pray for me when you get a chance - i really want to keep doing the right thing to get healthy...

2004-09-14T10:35:00.000-05:00

man it's hard leaving my little girl to go to work. i would love to be mr. mom, but i would never be as good as aimee is. when shaun is fussy, all she has to do is hear her momma's voice and she calms right down. i have really enjoyed hearing aimee sing so much - her voice is so pure and sweet. she sings an old gaelic song that my mother sang to me and now she sings to shaun. it's really beautiful and sad, but shaun loves it.

so, just a shout out to my wonderful, beautiful, talented wife - you are a great mother even if you don't read my blog!

2004-09-12T13:30:00.000-05:00

i love this picture! she is so cute!

2004-09-12T13:27:00.000-05:00

two of a kind!!

2004-09-10T17:05:00.000-05:00

just sitting here listening to my new garden state soundtrack compliments of justin. thanks!

it's pretty cool just to get something fun and free for no reason and that is what justin did...he just bought it and had it sent to me. what a nice surprise.

2004-09-10T09:05:00.000-05:00

last night shaun slept through the night and quite a bit of the morning. it was wonderful! aimee was able to get up and get a shower before she got up and we weren't scrambling and handing her back and forth as i tried to get out the door. i love that little girl! oh, and her momma!

berryhill came by for about an hour yesterday...that coupled with finding a cache of forgotten old harbor pictures brought back a lot of memories...old friends, fun times, excitement about starting something new...sometimes i miss those times and sometimes i'm glad that they are gone. but to be really honest, i'm only glad they are gone because now is so good. i still miss some of the relationships. for a while it was sean, danny, me, and the berryhills and that was a kind of family - we were always there doing something, planning something, eating something, playing something with landon, delanie, parker, and tyler...or having great conversations with shelly and/or john...

anyway, much love to you berryhills out there - we miss you in our lives (even though john drives us crazy :))

2004-09-08T11:25:00.000-05:00

i forgot to post that i have lost two more pounds as of yesterday. i started weighing a whopping 355! i have never struggled with my weight, i just kept putting it on and putting it on....

i now weigh 328 and i'm going for a svelte 185. i'm actually not that concerned with the numbers, i just want to be healthy and whole and i'm going to get there for aimee and shaun.

send up some prayers for self-discipline and time management so i can continue to eat whole foods that are good for me and not packaged, processed crap that got me where i am today....thanks.

2004-09-07T08:51:00.000-05:00

ah - back to work from the long weekend. i was pretty depressed yesterday thinking about coming back to this place. it just sucks the life right out of me!

on another note, my grandmother called me last night to tell me that she has alzheimers disease. it's surreal to hear somebody tell you that. it's almost like knowing that you are dying soon. she is handling it pretty well. i'm really sad because i love her a lot. she was a big part of my life growing up and i owe a lot of who i am to her. anyway, positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated - her name is daisy.

2004-09-05T15:58:00.000-05:00

today was aimee and my 5 year anniversary. We have known each other for 11 years, but we've been married for 5. I knew just a few months after we met and started dating that i wanted to spend my life with her. she is the best thing that has ever happened to me - my best friend for sure.

today we left shaun for the first time with jim and betty and went to brunch and a movie. it was really fun and we really enjoyed being alone with each other. we got back and it was totally great to see shaun...we missed her!

i wanted to post the song that i wrote for aimee when we got married. i wrote this the night before we were married and sang it at the reception. i haven't sung it since. last night i told our story to everyone at bomar street and then sang the song for her. we both cried and laughed - it's been an awesome, scary, hard, wonderful ride so far and i can't wait for the next 5, 10, and 25 years!

anyway, here is the song:

i can't say a thing i haven't said a thousand times
we both know it's all been said and done
but i'll say it through the rest of our tomorrows
i love you, i need you - you are the only one

you are my heart, we are the same
i'm still amazed that you'd take my name
i offer you all that i have and all i am

you are my moon, you are my sun
and even now we've just begun
and when we're old and grey, and time is done
i'll still be your man - you're still my only one

of all the gifts that god could give to me
i could not ask for sweeter than you babe
and i will always fight to keep the promise i have made
to cherish and to love you just as strongly as today

you are my heart, we are the same
i'm still amazed that you'd take my name
i offer you all that i have and all i am

2004-09-05T09:50:00.000-05:00

"This Labor Day, don’t do anything and don’t go anywhere that would require a minimum-wage (or slightly above) worker to have to work. That means: skip your coffee for a day. Don’t drop off your laundry. Eat at home. Drink at home. Get gas and and your groceries on Sunday. Insist that we ALL should have this day off.

Pass it on."

right on!

2004-09-03T13:08:00.000-05:00

this new stuff with dealing with street kids in montrose has really gotten me thinking about tribes. everyone that wants to help the kids down here thinks that the kids on the streets need fire and brimstone or ultimatums. i think what they need is a new tribe. a tribe that can teach them the rhythms of loving and being loved, serving and being served. the street kids are a tribe but the cost is really high out there.

i know that we don't know what we're doing in any of this, but if the doors keep opening, i'm going to keep walking through them. i gotta say that what i've seen over the past 8 years or so that i've been on this journey is pretty amazing and quite a testament to what god can and will do to transform a community...

now if we could get the traditional church to dig in without a bunch of pre-conceived notions of proselytizing people and "saving souls," we could have a real revolution down here!

2004-09-02T13:01:00.000-05:00

like i mentioned earlier, we are about to expand alpha house to 4 more guys. we signed the lease last week and are working on getting it furnished through donations. it's a bit scary to think that i am now going to be responsible for four more guys, but there is some amazing stuff happening around here and i just want to hang on for the ride instead of getting bucked off!

we are also looking into ways that we can serve women in montrose. we signed a lease on a four bedroom house last week where we are going to take in some of the street kid mothers and their babies and start helping them find jobs and help them take care of their kids. i think once they get off the street and see what it's like to really be loved and not just used, there will be a big difference.

we are also working on a recovery house for women - there is just so little in montrose for women and i am a huge advocate for them since i got married. i never knew all the stuff women put up with from the mundane to the out of this world stuff. one thing i do know is that i would not want my wife or daughter to ever have to give or sell her body to someone just to feel safe. i'm praying that we can create a safe loving environment and hopefully help save some lives in the process.

2004-09-01T08:41:00.000-05:00

man, what a whirlwind! i went to the head doc and got some meds - we'll see if they help! the doc says i have ADHD - i don't know if i buy it, but i'm willing to try anything if it will help me be more focused and less forgetful. sometimes i feel like i can't get anything done cause i am so scattered. i will say one thing, whatever the creative streak i'm on is about, the drugs are definitely accelerating that - i have ideas for about five songs brewing - and i think i may even like them!

on another note, one of my guys was diagnosed with hiv two weeks ago and that is having some really interesting effects on our little community. it was bound to happen. we've had several guys come up with hep-c, but never hiv. we are praying for a miracle and he is really upbeat and positive so far. he is leaning into community and starting to realize that we love him and are going to support him no matter what. it's a really good thing.

by the way, does anybody out there want to give me some free advice on how to make my blog template work on every browser? this stupid top banner thing has got me perplexed....

2004-08-31T09:13:00.000-05:00

i had kind of a new thing happen to me last week. i sat down and wrote a song without meaning to - and i like it! the thing that is really interesting is that it's turned out to be a related trilogy of songs....i didn't set out to do this, but it happened. i'm pretty excited about the creative juices flowing and i wish i knew what to attribute it to, but i just don't...

2004-08-30T18:09:00.000-05:00

i stayed home with my girls today. shaun was sooooo calm and sweet the whole day (and so was aimee). it was very cool and restful. man, i love my wife and my daughter so much it hurts! why can't i do this for a living!?

2004-08-27T13:01:00.000-05:00

question authority!

2004-08-27T09:03:00.000-05:00

i've been writing a little more lately. i've been in a creative dry spell for enough years that i was sure it was gone for good! writing was always cathartic for me so when it went away, i was pretty devastated. i don't know if anything will come out in a form that i want to share, but it's kind of weird that this would happen at the busiest time of my life.

my songs have always revolved around death, sadness, the twisted side of human experience. i used to think that was a problem and that my songs had to have a "hopeful side," but i've now resolved myself to the idea that i write what comes out and sometimes it helps to get the not-hopeful out to make room for the hopeful. I'm immersed in a city and culture that is full of hopelessness, crime, poverty, drug use, sexual addiction and perversion - and this stuff stains my soul. there has to be a way to flush it out and i think this is part of that process.

i can't help but think there is room for me to write about what is real to me versus what people want to hear and if that is depressing, i'm glad for whoever it is to walk away and stop listening (don't mean that near as harsh as it sounds).